It took me eight years…
“The reason that Dads shouldn’t whine is because whether you’re a dad or not a dad, your life stays basically the same. It’s just a matter of increased responsibility. But once a woman has a baby, she’s a mom, and the world demands a lot from moms. ” – Neil Pollack
Ok… I get it. I’m sad to say it has taken me eight years of marriage to really get it, but I think I finally do. The wife and I have had the same argument for eight years now.. you know, I work so hard and I do this and you don’t do this… I deserve a break because I’ve “worked” fifty hours this week. After so many of the same arguments, I see that I’ve been really whiny about this part of our relationship. And arrogant.
The wife usually raves about me because I do this amount of housework and take care of the kids this amount of time. I’ve let that get in my head. I think I do so much, but really, it doesn’t come close to what she has done and continues to do on a daily basis. I realize that if I were to go tit for tat… I’ll have nothing to stand on. That thought alone is pretty sobering.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not going to beat myself up. I think I’m a pretty good dad and partner. A pretty damm good one actually. But I don’t want to be a whiner. When I read the above statement, It dawned on me that I really have no clue into the amount of work that moms do. And here I thought because I work full time and do some dishes every now and then that I should have some special exemption or something.
So we had the same argument a couple of days ago, not really because the wife wanted to, but because I pressed the issue. I’m not one for confrontation, but I felt like I had worked hard this week, I’d been watching the kids, I did the laundry… Man, did she clean my clock, and deservedly so. It finally dawned on me when she gently reminded me that it has been her that has done all of this for the past seven years, and although my recent contributions are very much welcome, she has been carrying the load for quite awhile. That’s when it hit me and that stupid smile of recognition came across my face. I get it now. I think I really do.
Leave a comment
she’s very lucky to have you
Anonymous
February 2, 2007
*sigh*
you have no idea…he continues to amaze me everyday.
the wife
jinric- btw, you are SO gettin’ lucky tonight! 😉
Anonymous
February 2, 2007
you have no idea how lucky *I* am to have her…
she puts up with my shit more often than not 😉
J in Ric
February 3, 2007
That is a very interesting post. Sounds like you are both lucky to have each other!! You each give to the relationship and family. Every couple has their moments and feelings of unappreciation. It definitely has a give and take. Each person has their own set of issues to deal with and you just discuss them so you find some common ground that both people feel good about at the end. It is not about who is “right” or “wrong” and who did this and that. It is about being there for each other and the other person’s feelings really truly at the end of the day! It sounds like you two have a great respect for one another!! Keep the romance alive and strong!!!
Anonymous
February 4, 2007
Thanks for the encouragement, anonymous!
J in Ric
February 6, 2007
It’s SO nice to know others are having this same argument on a regular basis too. Ours is yet to be resolved and I don’t think it ever will be, because I never “gently” remind my husband of anything (I think I’m genetically incapable of it). I’m ordering Pollak’s book for him immediately however (and have wanted to read it myself).
Thanks for commenting on my blog–
Brandon
February 7, 2007
b: yea.. just when i think i get it, i seem to take a couple of steps back, but i am also encouraged that other couples do have the same struggles… we can’t all be superheroes, right?
You should totally get pollack’s book. it is pretty insightful and funny, and even if you think he is way out there, there is some pretty good stuff in there.
J in Ric
February 7, 2007
I feel like moms do a lot and don’t expect recognition or get recognition for all they do.
Okay, I’m not a mom, but I notice that there are a lot of things that Edgar doesn’t realize I do until I go out of town or I say, so did you feed the dogs? And he just assumed I would do it or maybe he didn’t even think about it at all, but me, I always think of those things…it’s just, well, obvious. To give him credit though, he does clean up if I cook and if I give him specific tasks, he does them. For the most part anyway.
Lindsey
February 8, 2007