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It’s been fifty-two days since I had my knee surgery and I’m still limping along on my crutches. Aside from the inconvenience of not being able to hold anything and being really slow, it has not been the end of the world for me. (Don’t question the wife about this… you might get a totally different answer.)

I generally feel like I’m in the way of everybody. I was in Georgetown over the weekend, and after walking about five blocks to the stores we wanted to get to, I was pretty tired and specially slow. Most people were kind enough, but about half the people that had a chance to wait for two seconds for me to get out of the way or just let me through ended up making me shuffle out of their way. Oh, well. I guess I can attribute it to the holidays or whatever, but I hope that I have never made someone with a disability feel that way.

But on to bigger and better thoughts… I think I might be getting close to walking without the crutches soon. At least that’s what I keep telling myself and the wife. I’m pretty sure I might have used up all of my “Baby, can you get me…” She has been insanely patient with me, so hopefully I’ll be up on my feet soon and getting up to get whatever my sweet girl wants.

There’s a dull ache hanging over our house, very much like a headache that’s about to set in. I can feel it, right in my head. I can feel it starting to sharpen, and I know it will be getting worse before it gets any better.

My mother has unexpectedly dropped into our lives again. It has been a long, long time since I had heard her voice. This was not my choice. I believed I had given her every opportunity to do the right thing. By doing that, I sacrificed myself and my wife. I gave up parts of ourselves that were whole and good, and that resulted in lots of pain and heartache. I was wrong to do that, and I was wrong to give so much up for someone who was abusive.

With one call, thoughts and emotions that I have not dealt with in such a long time pounded me. I felt like I was five years old again, running to my mom after I had been scolded, looking only for her acceptance. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want her to have the control over me she has had for much of my life. I want to protect my family.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I always knew this day was going to come. I just figured I would be the one trying to make reach out to her. My mode of dealing with things is denial. If I pretend things don’t happen then they can’t hurt me. This is so in my face that there is no way to ignore it.

We had a brief break in the process when we took the kids out to see Santa and got home and watched a stupid movie. It was a good break, we had a good time, but through it all, I could feel that dull ache working it’s way through my head.