There’s a dull ache hanging over our house, very much like a headache that’s about to set in. I can feel it, right in my head. I can feel it starting to sharpen, and I know it will be getting worse before it gets any better.
My mother has unexpectedly dropped into our lives again. It has been a long, long time since I had heard her voice. This was not my choice. I believed I had given her every opportunity to do the right thing. By doing that, I sacrificed myself and my wife. I gave up parts of ourselves that were whole and good, and that resulted in lots of pain and heartache. I was wrong to do that, and I was wrong to give so much up for someone who was abusive.
With one call, thoughts and emotions that I have not dealt with in such a long time pounded me. I felt like I was five years old again, running to my mom after I had been scolded, looking only for her acceptance. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want her to have the control over me she has had for much of my life. I want to protect my family.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I always knew this day was going to come. I just figured I would be the one trying to make reach out to her. My mode of dealing with things is denial. If I pretend things don’t happen then they can’t hurt me. This is so in my face that there is no way to ignore it.
We had a brief break in the process when we took the kids out to see Santa and got home and watched a stupid movie. It was a good break, we had a good time, but through it all, I could feel that dull ache working it’s way through my head.
and you said...